Dark Secret of a Writer

ANNAH CALISSE GARCIAN.

Beautiful and smart. 

Happy and Go-lucky writer. 

Found dead in her room. 

Case Closed. 

Is this really a suicide case?

Or there’s a foul behind this young and beautiful writer’s death?

Will the secret diary of her, found by her friend 5 days after her burial will reveal the truth?

Let’s continue and find the reason behind…

She was known to be a sweet happy sweet girl. She’s 23 and young. An aspiring writer and so much ideas are running into her pretty mind. She loves giving letters to her father and friends to make them smile. She loves sharing happiness. People love her story so much. A story that inspires million readers and bring so much smile. Her story has so much fun and happiness. She loves writing Romance-Comedy Novel with a happy ending. You would surely feel how a happy writer she is.  She’s Calisse, the happy-go-lucky aspiring writer.

But one day that sweet smile suddenly gone. Gone for eternity. That no one will ever see again only in their memories. She was gone. Cold and dead in her room.

Want to know the truth behind her death? Why she ended her most precious life? 

Here’s the clue. She’s happy outside but dying inside…

No one knows because she never dared to talk what’s really running into her mind. People close to her had no idea that the smile they’re being seeing outside were just a mask of her real life.

She’s a writer. An amazing young writer. Ten days after her sudden death, a close friend of her named Julia went to their house because she missed her so much. She can’t yet forget that horrifying happening to her precious friend. She’s the only one who’s giving her faith and hope to keep living. Julia was a rape victim. When Calisse was still alive she was always giving her a lot of words of wisdom, “just forget if it will only hurt. Start making your own happy memories just like my stories,” she said one day that she’ll keep in her mind forever to keep living.

She’s in too much pain for losing a friend like Calisse whom she can always rely on. Calisse has a brother, well not exactly a real brother because he’s only Calisse’ Dad’s godson from abroad who lived with her since she’s young and the only family she’s living with in town when her deceased father used to work in abroad. The night after Calisse’ father’s burial she was found dead in her room. Back to her brother, Julia is fond of him, he’s kind and she knows he’s also in too much pain like her. He let her go inside Calisse’ room and leave her alone after. He even tapped her shoulder to comfort her. He’s like a big brother to her also. She has the chance to roam around to her deceased friend. 

Unexpectedly she felt coldness out of that summer night. She sat on her deceased friend’s bed. Then her eyes were suddenly glued to a specific place. To her friend’s pink drawer. It was like something is pushing her to open the 1^st level of the drawer. Then she did. She slowly opened the drawer and right there she saw a small purple book. She grabbed the book with a cover of a lonely girl and the writer is her friend herself. It’s printed and looking really like a book.

Nervously, she opened the first page of the book. The title is “Inside.”

When she started reading the book her tears flow silently…

 

“Hi. I am Annah Calisse Garcian. This is my diary. My secret diary. I know it’s sad but let me tell you the real reason why I decided to end my life.” Those are the first sentence that were written on the book. Then, she continued reading the book crying.

It was summer night where everyone’s excited to have fun. It will be my BOOK SIGNING DAY Party. My most awaited day. My publishing company that’ve been molding me and trusting my masterpiece since high school, held that party together with my readers. I am only 23 yet I managed to make my own name in the world of writing Romantic-Comedy Novel.

The Party will start at 6 pm. They are all excited, I guess. I am so excited as well, but above all I am sad and scared. 

Why is there a word sadness in my diary?

Why is there a word fear in my diary?

I am a writer of fun, hope, happiness and romantic story.

Well, those are the two words that I’ve been keeping alone and it’s killing my being since I was a child. No one knows. It’s my choice to keep it alone. 

I wrote this diary because on the day that someone will read this, I might be cold already.

For that someone who’s currently reading this diary of mine…

Please do not cry. Do not feel sad. Do not feel the burden that you discovered the real me. Do not ever pity me. DO NOT BE ME. Spread your emotions. Do not keep it because it might explode one day and broke you and crash you down. If that’s the case I will be very happy and thankful.

Back to the story. On that night. It’s 5 pm. My heart is trembling so fast. I am so nervous. Not because of the party but today I am so sure that scary part of my life will happen again.

“Come here..” A voice that trembles me.

I’m used to it but why the hell it scares me so much no matter how hard I tried to hide.

“Don’t get me mad.” A man- No! Scratch that he’s not even a human. He’s a devil. 

I silently walked near him while my whole body is trembling. I don’t want to, but do I have a choice? I never had a choice. He never let me have a choice.

 This time I never shed a single tear in front of him. I don’t want him to feel happy and satisfied. My tears are his happiness. My happiness is his death but that’s impossible. A devil will never die.

I heaved deeply and try to really calm myself. 

“C-can you stop this please?” What? Did I say please? Yes I guess I did. Deep in my heart I am hoping that this man will be him again. I know him since I was a kid. I once idolized him. I loved him.  He was once the most adorable and kind man I’ve ever met. I was only 9 when I met him, and he was already 18 that time. 

It was a nightmare bringing back that memory. But I want to share that nightmare that I’ve been keeping alone. Here’s the story between us 14 years ago..

That summer vacation of mine, 20^th Day of March 2004, Dad told me that his godson from America will stay with us for the meantime until his ill mother will get well. He was so nice to me, and he always help my mother in our small cafeteria since my father is in abroad working for us. He took good care of me also and always saying I’m so pretty like my mom. He’s like a hero to me. He always protects me from bullies and treated me like a real princess. He always saying to me that I am his angel out of his darkness. He often talks about how lucky I am to have a beautiful and very kind mother. I am so happy with that because mom is really a beauty. My mom is only 25 years old looking so young. They had me when she was only 16 years of age and dad only 18. 

Being the only child, my parents gave me all the love and even all the things I need, and I want. So, technically I became a little bit of spoiled brat, but I know how to respect my parents dearly. Despite my stubbornness sometimes, I always made them feel how much I love them too.

One day, my friend and classmate Niana who’s a birthday celebrant, want me to join her to watch the concert of our favorite k-pop group in Mall of Asia. The ticket was a gift from Niana’s uncle who will accompany us. I was so excited when they invited me and told mom about it. 

But, she disagrees that she can’t let me go with my classmates alone since I’m still innocently young. I cried because she just can’t give me freedom for once. It was once in a lifetime experience, yet she doesn’t agree. 

I don’t know but I became a totally brat that day, I disobeyed my own mom. We even have an argument because I keep on insisting that I will go, and she doesn't’ need to worry because I will be with my friend and her uncle. At the end of our argument, she really didn’t let me go but I was too stubborn to obey her. I went out that day without telling her or even my dad’s godson.

But I never thought that because of my stubbornness that day the nightmare of my life started.

        That day.. on the night before the concert will start, my phone rung. When I saw mom calling, I didn't’t answer it instead I turned-off my phone. I will just call her back after the concert or maybe I will not instead I will just talk to her in person and accept all her sermons because I know what I did was wrong yet can’t help to disobey them because I really want to see my idols.

        That one night of mine was the happiest. Seeing my idols singing and dancing in person brings so much happiness in my heart. The concert was finished at exactly 11 pm. Since it’s already late we decided to check-in the nearby hotel. Though I can’t barely sleep because I was thinking of my mom of how furious she is right now to me for not coming home that night. I tried to call her but she’s not answering it. Maybe she’s already asleep. My mom is such a sweet mother. She always makes me feel like a princess but in terms of going out like this she’s so much against it. She’s still treating me like a baby that can’t go out without her. I love my mom, but I am already nine who wants to discover more of the outside world. Yeah maybe I was too young, but I want to explore.

        Right after we received our room key, together with my friend Niana we went directly to our room then after some chit chat we fell asleep faster maybe because we’re tired already.

        Morning came, at exactly 6 am we’re all packed up and left the hotel fifteen minutes later then at exactly 8:30am we arrived at our house and seriously I feel so nervous because mom is surely mad like hell to me.

        After waving goodbye to my friend and her uncle, I nervously walked and went inside our home. I was welcome by a long silence.  Why? I am expecting a yell from my dear mom which I found it better than this silence I am feeling right now. Maybe mom and my father’s godson went early in the market and they will come back anytime soon. So, I immediately went to my room and change comfy clothes and ready myself to say sorry to mom and accept all her sermons. But, I’ve been waiting for almost 5 hours and it’s already 1:20 in the afternoon. I suddenly feel worried, so I went out and went to my neighbors to ask if they notice mom.

Mrs. Kate, a forty-year-old auntie, said that she hasn’t seen mom since early in the morning. Did mom really go out super early that no one notice them when they went out?

When I didn’t get any info about my mom I decided to just go back inside our house and wait for them to come back. Without noticing while watching movie I already fell asleep and woke up at 6 in the evening. Gosh I’ve been sleeping for almost 4 hours. 

The moment I open my eyes I look for my mom again but she’s nowhere to find. Suddenly I feel worried. Negative thoughts are rushing through my mind. I don’t know but I suddenly cried out of frustrations because I can’t see my mom. I can’t find her. I asked again all our neighbors if they noticed my mother, but they don’t. 

Where is mom? Did she just leave the house without me? 

“Mom. Come home please. I’m sorry…” I murmured crying while lying on my mom’s bed.

I suddenly heard a sound opening our front door. Smile form on my lips knowing mom came home! Yey! Finally, she’s home. I rushed and run to welcome my mom but…I first saw my father’s godson. 

I smiled at him. Then hold his arm “Where is mom? Are you with her?” I asked excitedly. But he didn’t answer me. He was looking at me intently with his brown eyes. 

Instead of giving me an answer he suddenly grabbed my small arm and dragged me. I suddenly got scared. He never did this to me? He is such a sweet and soft-spoken brother of mine. Is he angry at me? Maybe he is because of what I did. I got totally scared when he pushes me on mom’s bed. I got scared of him and cried because of what he did. 

 I got scared even more when he suddenly grabbed the cable wire and went near me. He grabbed again both my hand.

“What are you doing?” I asked crying while he’s tying both my hand using that cable wire. “No don’t! Mama! Help!” I cried loudly. My hand is hurting so much because the cable wire tightly tied around my sensitive skin. I know I did wrong, but I don’t think this is right for me to be punish like this. Mom never punished me harshly nor hurt me physically. Mom is always gentle and sweet despite my stubbornness.

“Shut up!” He angrily grabbed my hand. 

“You’re bad!” I shouted back at him.

“Bad? You’re the bad here little girl. You’re the fucking reason behind all this shits!” He’s so mad while saying those words to me. I don’t understand what is he is talking about? I am just so scared of him right now.

“You…I will tell this to mom and dad..you’re bad..you’re hurting me..”

“Kid..it’s your fault..you know you are my angel…I’ve been keeping the monster inside me ‘cause you’re always on my side but you fucking leave us. You suddenly leave us alone…it’s your fault why your mother will never go back..” He said crying. Why? I can’t understand him! 

“W-where is mom? What are you saying that mom will never coming back? My mom loves me so much..She’ll come home..She’ll  forgive me.. She will never hurt me like what you’re doing. I am so wrong that you’re like an hero..you are so bad-”

“Shut up! Don’t say that..I am still your hero..I will take good care of you darling..from now on you’ll be mine. Just the two of us..” He said like a devil that made me really scared.

“N-no way! I hate you! I want mom! Where is she?!” I cried endlessly.

“I said shut up! Your mom will never come back because she’s dead! She’s dead…heard it?”

I feel like my world crashed down..N-No…mom is not dead..No way…

“I’m sorry Calisse..it’s your fault..if you did not leave us I will not tell my true feelings to your mom..I will not get mad because she can’t accept me as a man..I will not get mad and killed her..”

W-what? H-He killed mom? N-No…

“If only you did not leave me alone with your mom Calisse we are still living happily with her. So, it’s all your fault why your mom will never come home again. So, remember this. You and I will only live in our own world. You’ll grow up to a beautiful lady like your mom. You will be her! Don’t try to tell your dad nor anyone because I will fucking kill them all. You will be my angel. I will stay human as long as you are by my side. I will not kill anyone as long as you remain silent and you will always follow me. Understood?”

That’s how my hell life started…

Since then I live my life outside like a normal girl. I never told anyone what happened. I am so scared that he will also kill my dad. I study hard like I am just a normal student. I graduated with flying colors and became a successful writer. I don’t know how I endured all the pain all my life while smiling and laughing with all the people around me. I don’t know how I remained breathing and standing despite this hell I am living. Maybe. I don’t want to see another family member of mine dead because of him. So, I tried to smile, I tried to live, I tried to laugh. I tried to be normal just to save the people around me.

So, to my friend Julia, I am hoping you keep on living. Look at me I tried to live for more more years because I love my family. I love my father so much so when he died, I thought to myself that I have no more reason to live. I’m sorry if I left you and chose to be with my father. You can do it Julia. Forget that one day hell of your life. You know that devil hurted me a lot. He raped me. Not once…but many times…I know you’ll pity me for what you’ve learned but don’t. Just please don’t ever end your life like what I did. You are beautiful. You are special. You must live your life. It’s a blessing. “

 

 

Her heart is aching, and she can’t just stop crying after reading her friend’s diary.

         “Hey little girl? Are you ok?”

        Julia was startled when she heard the voice, she once comfortable with but now it scares her the moment she read her friend’s diary. She tried to calm herself and tried to keep away the secret diary from his sight.

        “Y-yes I’m ok. I.. I just missed Calisse so much.” She answered despite her nervousness and anger. She wanted to kill the man for what he did to her best friend, but she wanted to treasure her life like what her best friend said in her diary.

        “I’m going. Thank you for letting me inside my friend’s room.” She tried to smile and stand up. She badly wanted to go out of that place knowing the man in front of her is a demon that could kill her.

        He didn’t speak and just nodded and give her way. So, despite her weak legs she tried to walk normally.

Her heart is beating so fast. Knowing that the man behind her is a devil. She’s praying so hard that she will get away from him safe and sound.

        She was surprised when he suddenly grabbed her shoulder when she was about to exit and waved good bye. She’s so scared inside. What if he’ll kill her? No…

        “A-ah..Bye. Thank you again..I have to go..my mom is waiting me for our lunch date. I’m sorry if I can’t stay longer.” She said tryin’ to smile despite her nervousness. Yeah, she needs to act normal.

        “I understand dear..Please go, have your lunch with your mom..stay happy..and use her diary..”

        He was even surprised by what he said but what even surprised her more is when tears started to flow on his eyes. She suddenly saw the kind man she used to know every time she visits Calisse before.

        “Use her diary to sue me. Give them to the police and help me…help rot in hell..I wanted to kill myself to end this guilt. When she dies I feel like I was awaken and realized I am a demon who deserves to rot in hell.. and killing myself will not give her a justice..Please dear go..find a way to get justice for Calisse. I’ll be waiting here..”

        She can’t speak even a single word. She was dumbfounded. She was just silently crying. With her aching heart she turned her back bringing with her the diary of her friend that will give a true justice to her. 

        “Friend..I’m sorry for not knowing what was really happening to you…I am so sorry that I did not comfort you like how you comforted me.. I am such a bad friend. I’m sorry..” 

        But as she cries the book suddenly fell on the ground and a strong wind came that made the page turn itself..

        She cried and smiled at the same time when she saw again the page and read what’s on that page is exactly written..

For that someone who’s currently reading this diary of mine…

 

“Please do not cry. Do not feel sad. Do not feel the burden that you discovered the real me. Do not ever pity me. DO NOT BE ME. Spread your emotions. Do not keep it because it might explode one day and broke you and crash you down. If that’s the case I will be very happy and thankful.

        She looked up above the sky and smiled, “Yes, don’t worry friend I will live my life to the fullest. I will be the most successful architect. I will love my life. I will make you happy by loving my life..”

  

P.S. I wrote this one years ago when I feel so down and unhappy. I was the same age that time with Callisse. What I am writing will usually defends on my freaking mood and feelings.

Dark Secret of a Writer

By: Angel C.

Short Story  (2018)